Say your prayers, it’s Scorpio season.

Watch out, hotties, Scorpio season is here. The badass, witchy bish of the zodiac. Rivalled only by maybe Aries (at a pinch) this is a zodiac not to be trifled with. They’re the no-beating-around-the-bush, say-it-to-my-face, throw-hands freak of the astrology fam. Perhaps not as straight-up angry as, say, our fiery friend Aries, a Scorpio is still going to seek vengeance if you wrong them. We’d liken them to Morticia from the Addams family. or something even more sinister like Chanel Oberlin (Scream Queens). It’s not that we don’t like Scorpios, we’re just wary of them (jus’ saying, some of the world’s most notorious criminals are Scorpios… eek) So, we’ve lined up a few drinks that will help you stay on a Scorpio's good side (God willing).

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1. Got a secret, can you keep it?

Scorpios are like cats, you never know what their next move is going to be. They may cuddle up to your side and sit on your lap or (more likely) dig their claws and fangs into your hand. It’s part of their intrigue, being all mysterious and secretive and whatnot. Having said that, they are an acquired taste – which is exactly how they want things to be. We reckon gifting them a nice big bottle of green Chartreuse is the way to go. It’s perf really, as Chartreuse can be quite a polarising flavour (bitter-sweet) and its full list of ingredients (130 plants, bark, roots, spices and flowers) has been kept a secret since it was brewed by monks centuries ago (a gothic origin story Scorpios can really get behind). Much like a Scorpio, Chartreuse’s presence can be watered down by mixing it with other things or people. We love ours in a Last Word or Tipperary cocktail.

2. Morbidly curious

If we had to guess what sign Eve (as in Adam and) and Pandora (the infamous box opener) were, we’d say Scorpio every time. They just give off a dooming-the-human-race vibe. Not in a bad way, but if there was a button that said “do not touch or else”, guess who’d be pushing it? It’s not that they want to hurt anyone (sort of) they’re just super curious. And the more morbid, sick or twisted it is, the better. So, for our curious/morbid friends, we suggest Don Juan Escobar Mezcal with an agave worm in it. It’s wonderfully smooth, smokey and made of 100% Blue Agave which makes it clean and refreshing. Plus there is a dead thing inside of it. Win-win for your Scorpio besties (don’t eat the worm).

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3. Full-bodied passion

Ok, we’ve been a bit harsh to our Scorpio friends (please don’t hurt us) so, for self-preservation purposes, here’s one of Scorpio's good traits: Scorpios are super passionate. If a Scorpio feels strongly about something or someone, they don’t play around. If they just so happen to latch onto you, they’ll want to know everything about you and dive into a full-blown relationship. In other words, they don’t do anything by halves. So, why don’t we match that with something just as deep and intense? We suggest a Grant Burge Nebu Barossa Cabernet Shiraz 2017. It’s full-bodied and dry with delightful dark fruits, spice and rich coffee notes.

4. Old reliable

You’re out on the town with a few mates. You rock up to a cocktail bar and have a flick through the cocktail menu, but none of it takes your fancy. What are you going to do? Are you going to branch out and try something you’ve never had before? OR does this situation call for an Espresso Martini? That’s what we thought. This is a Scorpio vibe. They love being loyal (they also call for 100% loyalty to them in return). Whether that is to a friend, a bar or a dependable cocktail, they froth it. So if you want to show a Scorpio that you know and love them, make them a good old, reliable Espresso Martini.

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5. The darkness

Scorpios love those spooky, slightly twisted things that many people try to avoid. Think of them as the anti-Cancer, or the Buttercup to Blossom and Bubbles – there’s just something about them that screams, “Hey, want to start a cult?” So what drink do we give a Scorpio who loves the darkness? A dark beer. Specifically, Zytho Brewing Velvet Luxe Stout. Not only does the can look like a Scorpio vibe, but the darkness of the stout matches the darkness of a Scorpio's soul (in a nice way). If you want to sweeten the deal, chuck on a bunch of horror flicks for some gruesome viewing while sipping on these bad boys.